How Do We Handle Relationship Crises?

August 2, 2024 Greg McNichols

This is the transcript of video 017 in our Same Page Vlog Series. Click here to see the video and look through the other 16 videos on Newstart’s Ministry Culture.

RELATIONSHIP CRISIS

They received the devastating news that their 17-year-old daughter killed another driver last night while driving drunk.

A heated argument between a worship band member and a sound team tech almost escalated to blows. Now, their families won't speak to each other.

Two weeks before their 13th wedding anniversary, he came home from work to find a note on the table and his wife's closet empty.

When hundreds upon hundreds of people are a part of the same church community, there are always individuals in relationship crisis. For these individuals, it feels like they fell out of a plane without a parachute.

These moments of relationship upheaval are when the church family's role becomes more crucial than ever. But how do we navigate this delicate terrain as a church? How do we avoid overwhelming people with our assistance? How do we reach out without them feeling like we are intruding in their business? How can we offer just the right amount of care and support without causing them to withdraw from the church community during their time of need?

So, how do we create a safety net that supports without smothering? Let me share what I've developed over my 25 years of pastoral ministry and the culture of care we aim to continue propagating at Newstart.

SAME RELATIONSHIP, AMPLIFIED CARE

For the church at large, it is essential not to impose a new level of relationship on the people going through a crisis. So, I encourage the majority of the church to maintain the same level of relationship you have with those involved and only turn it up a notch.

Here are some examples:

If you really don't know the person, please pray for them and leave it at that.
If you usually have casual conversations at church, next time, express something like, "I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm praying for everyone involved." This shows awareness and compassion. Then, leave it at that.
If you occasionally text the person, send a few messages acknowledging their situation with love and encouragement. Avoid offering advice or opinions. Simply let them know you're thinking of them and that they are not alone, and then leave it at that.
If you hang out with the person, be more intentional in your support. Offer extra availability and encouragement in your conversations. This could mean spending a bit more time together or checking in more often.

These incremental increases in care help individuals feel loved and cared for without feeling overwhelmed. Respect their need for privacy and trust church leadership to handle the situation discreetly, which leads to my next point.

SMALL CIRCLE FOR CORE SUPPORT

The pastoral team will ensure that a small circle of people best suited to providing encouragement, counsel, and a ministry of presence is readily available to those in need. This typically includes one or two pastoral team members, one or two individuals in the church who have experienced similar situations, and a few close church friends. This small, focused group can offer diverse support while maintaining confidentiality for the extended time of the crisis and subsequent healing.

COMMUNICATION OF CARE

One of the biggest challenges for people going through crises while participating in church is dreading the barrage of questions about their situation.

"Do you know how much she had to drink? Was anyone else in the car with her? Did she know the person who died in the accident?"

"Had you argued before? Was he cussing at you? Did the worship leader try to intervene? Why didn't you smack the sound tech? I would have!"

"Wow! I can't believe she left you. Did you see it coming? Do you think she was having an affair? Has she filed for divorce yet?"

These kinds of questions add to their stress and make them feel even more isolated. I get it; people are curious and want to understand. But, in the context of a large church, this curiosity is overwhelming. So, please direct any questions to the pastor leading the small core support team for the particular situation. We will respond to appropriate questions and spare the individual the stress of facing a thousand inquiries. Additionally, this approach allows us to disciple busybodies on respecting boundaries and understanding what is and isn't their business.

WHEN YOU FACE A RELATIONAL CRISIS

Most importantly, if you find yourself in the midst of a relational crisis, please don't hesitate to contact someone on our pastoral team. We have years of experience and are here to give you the encouragement, support, and resources you need. We aim to walk alongside you, offering a compassionate presence and practical help to navigate these challenging times. Remember, you are not alone, and your church family is here to support you every step of the way.